The Language of Romulus1

As Wiggy’s Words of Wisdom strives to be non-biased in its observations and in the inclusive enlightenment of both male and female readers, this discourse is a peace offering to those women (and my new bride Caroline) who, although disgusted as you may have been in the past, have managed to continue to follow this magnificent weekly literary brilliance (note sarcasm).  And for that, you shall be rewarded.

What I’m about to reveal are some of the darkest secrets of the male species.  Over the millennia, a form of communication has evolved and become embedded within the genome of the human male.  As men have advanced from cave dwelling hunter/providers, so too has our understanding of how to react to potentially dangerous situations involving women.  The following are a few key words and phrases developed over thousands of years and ingrained into the male make-up to the point we’re born with these survival instincts.

“What?”: The most simple and diverse of the survival code.  It can be used in a multitude of situations.  While appearing to make the user look chuckleheaded, it allows a stunned and most-often-guilty culprit to delay the inevitable and come up with a semi-intelligent and almost, but not quite, believable second response.  Unfortunately, the subsequent response is usually developed while applying left-brained male logic.

“I didn’t know”: A defensive phrase brought to bear to conceal the fact you didn’t pay attention to directions given you by a spouse or girlfriend.  Most often this occurs during the viewing of a sporting event or in the presence of other males, while engaged in lively and thought-provoking discussion about cars, guns or sports and always in the presence of alcoholic beverages.

“I forgot”:  Used in a similar manner to “I didn’t know.”  It’s utilized when a defensive male is accused of not carrying out a pointless or unpleasant task he thought he could ignore, assigned to him by his other half.  Not ever to be used as an excuse for insensitive-absentmindedness related to birthdays, holidays or an anniversary.

“I can’t believe he did that”: Statement when translated into male-speak means “I would have done the same thing.  Luckily I wasn’t the one who was caught.”  This is an effective avoidance technique used to deflect feminine criticism away from the user and towards any convenient male friend or acquaintance.  While often used for amusement purposes, it’s also very handy if employed while attempting to defend one’s self against a recently discovered ill-advised transgression.  Most effective if the spouse or girlfriend of the target of sacrifice is present.

“You didn’t tell me that”: This unfortunately, although thought to be an effective defense by most males, in reality, is a hopeless and misguided rebuttal against female logic.  Although often wielded as a statement of fact, it serves no purpose other than to inflame a tenable situation allowing it to spiral out of control.  It usually ultimately results in some sort of monetary or social loss at the hands of the subject of reasoning.

Through thousands of years of evolution, males from the age of two years old begin to exhibit use of these honed skills of survival.  Most effective during the teenage years against un-experienced high school girlfriends, the effectiveness of these survival tactics diminish with age, as women subject to repeated exposure begin to recognize the techniques.  Fortunately for most men, by the time these skills become totally ineffective, the symptoms of Alzheimer’s or other dementia begin to set in…or do they…

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs - Manifestative Minister of Manly Mysteries