Slap A Doofus Day

Is it just me or does it seem like every day has now become some type of bizarre holiday or observation?  Just this week alone Monday was Cup Cake Day.  Wednesday is not only National Medical Dosimetrist Day, but also Poet's Day and Senior Citizen's Day.  But for some reason Tuesday August 20, 2013 is the victim of celebratory prejudice with not a single observance on the tap.   In order to brighten up a day depressingly close to the end of summer the crack staff here at Wiggy’s Words of Wisdom has decided to come up with our own holiday for poor Tuesday August 20th.  Today will not only serve to lift the spirit but serve as a public service and improve occupational mental health among those of us unlucky enough to have to actually earn a living dealing with others.  The third Tuesday in August will hence forward be designated as "Slap a Doofus Day".

Merriam-Webster defines a doofus as "An incompetent, foolish, or stupid person."  As you may have one or more of these persons acting as coworkers, it’s your duty as hard working cogs in the Great American Industrial Machine to slap some sense into these perpetually happy people who constantly chime into conversations with inane ("Without contents; empty; void of sense or intelligence; purposeless; pointless; characterless; useless") comments.

Do you have a coworker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details, which you could not care less about?  Do you have a coworker who ALWAYS screws up his work, creating MORE work for you?  Do you have a coworker who always asks questions at the end of a meeting, prolonging it for at least an extra 45 minutes or more?  Have no fear!  We can all make the work place a more tolerable environment.

In order for the workplace to maintain some semblance of professionalism and not break down into a kind of corporate SmackDown cage match, there are rules which must be followed on “Slap a Doofus Day.”

·         You can only slap one person per hour - no more.  If you need to “correct” more coworkers than can be accomplished in an eight hour work day, you need to find a new job.

·         You can slap the same person multiple times if they irritate you more than once in the same day.

·         You are not allowed to hold someone down as other coworkers take their turns slapping the irritant.

·         No weapons are allowed.  This includes going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.  Letter openers, staple removers and scissors are definitely not allowed.

·         If questioned by a supervisor (or the police), you are allowed to lie.  If you are brazen enough to actually strike a coworker, no one else is going to contradict your story.

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.

Disclaimer: The author in no way condones the use of any form of office violence against pesky coworkers, no matter how annoying they may be, even if it means shortening the length of a meeting  you don’t want to attend by an hour or more.