Sinister Maldexterous Canhoto with Two Left Feet

As is often the case, the crack staff here at Wiggy’s Words of Wisdom would like to provide a public service to the community presented in the form of a warning.  Through much exhaustive research this morning we review an aberration of nature only equaled by such freakish creations of evolution as the platypus, pink fairy armadillo and Miley Syrus.  An anomaly so strange, it may go against the very laws of nature and could possibly explain such physical atypicalities as black holes and parallel universes.  I speak of the left-handed person.

Throughout history these freaks of nature have been shunned, mocked and persecuted as unnatural.  While in many European languages “right” is not only synonymous with correctness, it also stands for authority and justice.  Left, on the other hand…pun deliberately intended…is identified with evil.  Case in point…

While the Latin word for right-handed is “dexter” as in the word “dexterity,” meaning skillful or “right-handed on both sides,” the English word “sinister” comes from the Latin word “sinistra” which originally meant “left,” but took on the meanings of evil or unlucky.  In Portuguese, the most common word for a left-handed person, canhoto, is used to identify the devil, and the Portuguese word “canhestro” means clumsy.

Currently, as much as 10 percent of the world’s population may have these evil tendencies.  While many of these sinister deviants look and act just like you and me, they have distinguishing traits which reveal their hidden affliction.  Waving at a left-handed person can sometimes invoke an unconscious response which results in the deviant waving back, WITH HIS LEFT HAND!!!  Another tell-tale sign is to look for an ink smudge on the outer portion of their evilly-dominant tendril.  This is a result of attempting written communication and the subsequent effect of their iniquitous appendage following over the freshly deposited ink.  This isn’t an effective identifier if the subject is Arabic, Persian, Urdu or Hebrew, as the right to left nature of these languages precludes ink bibulosity.  This may explain the centuries-old ongoing religious and cultural conflicts and mistrust in the Middle East.  Something maybe John Kerry should investigate further.

Much research has been done over the centuries to help understand these unfortunate devils of dexterity.  Scientists have identified the gene responsible for increasing the odds one may require special golf clubs.  The LRRTM1 gene, while possibly causing one to be banned from ever becoming a Jai-Alai professional, is also linked to schizophrenia.  A study published back in 1991 claimed left-handed peoples’ lifespan are shorter than those of their right-handed counterparts, by as many as nine years.  This may be a result of left-handed people being more likely to die in accidents related to the use of “right-handed” machinery such as scissors, Japanese professional sushi knives and flaming rock guitars.

While progress has been made, setbacks have also been encountered clouding the understanding of this affliction.  In 2006, researchers at Lafayette College in Easton, Pennsylvania found left-handed men are 15 percent richer than right-handed men for those who attended college, and 26 percent richer if they graduated.  This wage difference is still unexplained and doesn’t appear to apply to women.  It hasn’t been confirmed whether or not the fact attendees and graduates of Lafayette College have to be rich in the first place to pay for an education at this auspicious institution was taken into account in the study.

If you doubt my research and subsequent conclusions above, the following is a list of famous southpaws:

• Napoleon Bonaparte – vertically-challenged French dictator
• Fidel Castro – reason I can’t purchase Cuban cigars legally
• Richard Simmons – born Milton Teagle Simmons, aerobics instructor and Herbal Essence shampoo spokesperson
• Michael Vick – NFL quarterback and spokesperson for PETA and the United States Federal Penitentiary at Leavenworth, Kansas
• O.J. Simpson – “widowed” retired Buffalo Bills running back and sport memorabilia collector
• Bill Clinton – Blue-eyed former U.S. President with questionable taste in women
• Robert Blake – “widowed” monetarily-challenged ex-actor turned ranch hand
• Tom Cruise – Level VI scientologist
• Whoopie Goldberg – star of such blockbuster films as Sister Act 2, Pinocchio 3000,  Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, and co-host of the “View”
• Nicole Kidman – Australian actress, reformed scientologist and ex-spouse to Tom Cruise
• Shirley MacLaine – Author, devoted reincarnationist, UFO expert and close friend of Vegetarian and ex-Democratic Presidential candidate Dennis Kuchinch
• Barrack Obama – Self-proclaimed healthcare policy expert
• Jack-the-Ripper – English serial killer

See a pattern here…?