Yo Quiero Mexico (Immigration Reform, Part 2)

Disclaimer: The author of this insightful government policy proposal IN NO WAY intentionally intends to belittle or embarrass readers of Mestizo or Amerindian descent with any stereotypical references to small hairless dogs, big hats or refried beans.

In order to help alleviate some of the worries our President seems to be having...like how he is doing on his NCAA basketball pool...I offer a solution to some of this country’s larger problems. A solution so simple and so all-encompassing it scares me I came up with it at all.

This plan could solve the economic crisis, unemployment, national security, the dependency on foreign oil and the illegal immigration issue all at once. It may sound crazy, but so did Brett Favre playing for the New York Jets. I’m referring to the possibility of such an unlikely event becoming reality. I didn’t say his un-retirement was a good idea.

What President Obama needs to do is annex Mexico and make it the 51st U.S. state. Once you stop laughing, listen to my logic.

First of all, the current U.S./Mexico border is 1,969 miles long. Huge amounts of U.S. taxpayer money are spent on security personnel and border patrols, fences, etc. And yet our southern border resembles the U.S. Congress...with enough money and dishonesty anyone can get in, and once in, it’s impossible to get them to leave. We spend billions of dollars on a half-assed fence everyone just goes around. Why bother?

The southern Mexican border with Guatemala is only 541 miles long. That’s a hell of a shorter fence and much easier to patrol. Hire a bunch of newly-patriated U.S. citizens to guard the border and pay them minimum wage. $7.25 an hour is a lot more money than the $2,000 a year salary an average Mexican earns. If you station a guard every tenth of a mile, it would cost $343.5 million a year in salaries. I’m sure that’s a fraction of the border patrol’s current budget. The 2009 federal budget had a $500 million INCREASE for 2,200 new border agents, which increased the border patrol staff to 20,000 agents. My plan does it with 16,230 guards, at 10 guards per mile. Give them guns and no one’s getting in.

Once Mexico becomes a state, there are now 110 million new U.S. citizens and a lot fewer illegal aliens. As a state, no one would need to sneak into California or Texas looking for a better life. Mexicans would be entitled to all the benefits of being a full-fledged American, such as Obamacare and unemployment benefits. But now they’d have to pay taxes. Issue them Social Security cards and the government knows who they are.

And with all of the Mexicans “staying” home in the U.S., there would be a need for more workers in the upper 48. With the economy in the shape it’s in, I am sure there would be quite a few people who would seriously consider taking that construction job. And instead of working at a movie theater or mall over the summer, make all the high school kids bring in the harvest. Hard work builds character, and we all know this latest generation could use a bit of that. Lindsey Lohan could have used some paid community service picking avocados.

Mexico is the sixth largest producer of petroleum in the world, and the national oil company Pemex is the ninth largest company in the world. Combined with U.S. oil and gas reserves, we could forget all about the Middle East. I bet then you’d see oil prices drop.

Unlike Canada—with world renowned entertainment like Celine Dion and the television show The Trailer Park Boys (note sarcasm)—Mexico isn’t exactly well-known for its contributions to the entertainment industry...although they can claim Carlos Santana and Ricardo Montalban. But Mexicans certainly eclipse their snowy cousins when it comes to culinary achievements. It’s amazing how many meal variations they came up with using just corn, meat, beans, rice and cheese.

While Mexico hasn’t exactly produced an overabundance of major league baseball players or NFL linebackers, they do have something athletic to bring to the melting pot. Overnight America would become competitive in a sport the rest of the world considers important...soccer. Besides, Mexicans already love American football, professional wrestling and NASCAR. They’d fit right in.

So next time you are picking nasty lettuce off your value menu Big Taste Taco at 1:30 a.m., think about what you COULD be eating—a beef chimichanga tastes a hell of a lot better than a soggy Chalupa Supreme after a long night downing cerveza at the cantina.

And come to think of it, if we annexed all the way to the Panama Canal, we would have a 48-mile-long moat and it wouldn’t cost anything. The rest of Central America is Mexico–lite anyway, and we’d get the benefit of great coffee and cigar tobacco.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs - Mastermind of Madcap Mexican Matriculation