Learn What Your Name Means Day is March 6

Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii

In honor of “Learn What Your Name Means Day” on March 6 here's another bit of the absurd…

Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to be parents. It’s that simple. Anyone who at the moment of their child’s birth, or soon thereafter, deliberately inflicts a lifetime of humiliation, scorn and ridicule upon a helpless child should themselves be publicly humiliated and somehow socially banished. In most cases this child abuse is premeditated. In isolated cases, it’s an innocent mistake made by intellectually-challenged parents in the heat of the moment. If it was, time and circumstance would most definitely intercede.

The naming of a child is usually one of the early joys of pre-parenthood. Most soon-to-be parents have multiple discussions over several months prior to the birth of their impending bundle of joy. Around the world, most names originate from historic religious figures, such as saints or prophets. Some are simply descriptors of nature or physical traits, as with many Native American names, such as “Dances with Wolves” or in the case of my Seneca Indian friend Steve’s nickname, “Running Tab.” Many are selected as a tribute to past ancestors. My own son’s names of choice (first and middle) are a testament to both his grandfathers, as well as one of his great-grandfathers.

Some names are timeless, such as Adam (Eve not so much), Mary, Margaret, Jacob, etc. Certain names rise and fall with the ages...Gertrude, Bertha, Myrtle, Enoch, Orrie (yes, that one is a boy’s name) come to mind. And some names fall from grace because of some not so popular historical figure or act, such as Adolph, Napoleon, Babylon, Jinx, Lucifer, Maleficent...you get the idea.

But some children are deliberately doomed from the start due to parents with a misguided sense of humor or a downright disregard for their child’s emotional and social development. I don’t know of any grade school kid who would think the name Seymour Butts is not funny. Even a five-year-old can recognize when a name has the potential to be a childhood crutch. I’m sure when she was younger, 2008 U.S. Olympic Women’s Gymnastic All-Around gold medalist Nastia Liukin was called “nasty looking” by some of her creatively-cruel classmates. Luckily for her, it’s not a problem anymore. I think some parents must be either drunk or stoned when they make the choice of a given name for the newest twig of their ancestral tree. Case in point...

A few years ago, a New Zealand judge made a nine-year-old girl a ward of the court so her name could be changed from “Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii.” The family court judge in his ruling listed a series of unusual names New Zealand parents had given their children, and said he was concerned such strange monikers would create hurdles for the children as they grew up. The names included twins named Benson and Hedges—after the brand of cigarettes; Violence; and Number 16 Bus Shelter.

The New Zealand Registrar General of Births, Deaths and Marriages said in the past it had rejected names including Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi (a staple food in Polynesian cuisine) and Sex Fruit.

Are parents that stupid or are they just so insensitive and uncaring that they would name their child Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii? Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii’s lawyer stated the girl was so embarrassed by her name, her friends call her “K.”

OK, being as I don’t have the background on the parents, I will give them the benefit of the doubt for the moment. Maybe they had a perfectly good reason for naming their child Talula. Again: drunk, stoned, etc., readily come to mind. But what of perfectly good, socially-functioning middle class parents? What’s their excuse? The following are actual names of kids who I’m sure have been teased their entire lives thanks to their clueless parents:

April Shaurer

Amanda Lay

April May

Bud Wieser

Dusty Sandmann

Laura Norder

Pat Downe

Crystal Ware

Alison Wanda Land

Ima Hogg (daughter of a Texas governor)

Parents, you have no idea what influence you may actually have. Real people and their actual profession:

Les Plack (dentist)

Rex Easley (high school driving safety instructor)

Some parents intentionally choose special (and bizarre) names in order to “help” foster and develop their child’s originality and uniqueness. But they may be doing more harm than good. According to a recent Canadian study, which does not help with the study’s credibility, there’s a connection between a boy’s name and his chances of ending up in some sort of trouble later in life. Research presented to the Congress of the Humanities and Social Sciences at the University of British Columbia suggests boys with unique, rare or unpopular names are more likely to find their way into the juvenile justice system than their popularly-named counterparts.

The researchers chose an unidentified American state and compiled a list of first names for boys born in that state between 1987 and 1991. For each of the approximately 15,000 unique names, a Popularity Name Index (PNI) was assigned. The PNI was based on how many children were given that name. For example, the most popular name was given a PNI of 100 while the half-as-popular name had a PNI of 50. Researchers then compared the names and their associated PNI ratings with the names of boys in the juvenile justice system between 1997 and 2005. They found that regardless of race, the more unique and unpopular the name, the more likely it was to be found in youth crime files 10 to 18 years later.

I guess we know what is in store for celebrity children Pilot Inspektor Lee (father Jason) and brothers Rocket, Racer, Rebel and Rogue Rodriguez (film director father Robert). Thank goodness that study didn’t include girls. Who knows how a girl named after a hotel in a conceited, snooty overrated French city would turn out...?

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs—Narrator of Negligent Names