Cute is a Four Letter Word

Disclaimer: The opinions of the author do not pretend to represent the thoughts or actions of any male who routinely engages in the viewing of soccer, partakes in the consumption of light beer, or has ever seen “Bridget Jones’ Diary,” “Sex and the City” or “Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.”

What you're about to read is a guide for the fairer persuasion, to help gain a little more insight into the mind of the typical American male. If you're female and adventurous enough to venture further, you will be rewarded. Ladies, if you possess a sense of humor, curiosity and an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, you're about to learn something about men which all women sense, but few acknowledge.

The following are things all women who have any interest in a lasting relationship with a man should know. If you think I’m kidding with what I’m about to reveal, don’t bother going any further. If you don’t have an open mind, you have no chance of EVER understanding men.

1.) Men don’t like cats. It’s a fact, no matter what the man in your relationship says. Cats eat, sleep and cop attitudes and that’s it. Though these traits may be an appealing way of life for most guys, especially on Sundays during football season, ordinarily those traits aren’t the qualities a woman looks for in a mate. If a man says he likes cats he’s either lying because it’s not a battle worth fighting or he really does like cats and also knows the difference between puce and mauve. If the latter is the case, you have other things to worry about.

2.) Men like shopping. This is one of the biggest misconceptions women have about men. Men do love to shop, as long as it’s not with you. What guy doesn’t like to go out and spend money on music, cars, electronics, tools or sporting equipment? If there’s a bar in the mall, it’s a no-brainer. What’s supported this myth for so long is the fact women think hanging out in front of a jewelry kiosk or in a clothing store looking at blouses, purses or shoes is as enjoyable for men as it is for women. Let me clue you in...it’s not. Shopping is also supposed to be efficient. Most men know what they want BEFORE they go shopping. They may not know the exact color, model or brand, but they do know how much they want to spend, what features they’re looking for and where they can buy it. Men also don’t like trying on clothes. We know our size. You can always return it for us on your next trip to the mall. The flaw in this bit of male logic is having a wife or girlfriend return the ill-advised clothing purchase will cost a new pair of shoes which are twice the price of the exchanged pair of Levis.

3.) “I went to the post office today”…is not a question. Unless the statement is concluded with a question mark, men don’t know we’re required to respond or that an innocuous statement is the pretext to a full blown conversation. If you’re looking for a verbal reaction make it obvious. Contrary to popular female belief, we DO hear everything you say. Even during a late fourth quarter scoring drive. If we don’t respond, you either didn’t make it obvious we were supposed to, or we really don’t want to talk about your girlfriend’s expensive new haircut. If you do ask a question, be prepared for an honest answer. If you already know the answer, why get us in trouble and yourself upset?

4.) If we say we don’t like something, we mean it. When a man says that he doesn’t like something, telling him that it’d look good on him or in his house doesn’t make it any more appealing. Not all men have good taste, as is apparent by the popularity of professional wrestling and low calorie beer. And if men and women had the same taste, at least one NFL team’s colors would be fuchsia and chartreuse and have a cat as a logo. The Tampa Bay Tabbies readily comes to mind. If we find it appealing, we’ll tell you. If we think it’s hideous, we’ll tell you. If we disagree with you, we must really hate it, as it’s definitely not worth the argument if the item of contention is even the least bit tolerable.

5.) Cute is a four letter word. The term “cute” is only ever used by men in a few socially-acceptable circumstances. The most acceptable instance is when describing the features of a not-so-attractive wife or girlfriend of a friend to other drinking buddies...buddies you wouldn’t trust with your grandmother’s cookie recipe, let alone your true opinion of a friend’s ill-advised choice of a bedmate. Cute is also used by men to describe a puppy...but never a kitten...or is used as a safe response to a wife or girlfriend’s question about her gorgeous friend. Cute should never be used to describe any knick-knack, article of men’s clothing, portion of male anatomy or in the description of a female blind date.

Keep these five basic concepts in mind while searching for the future father of your children and you won’t end up with some dork you found on eHarmony.com who wears sweater vests.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs - Slightly Aesthetically Appealing Shopaholic