Canadians: Why Are They Here and What Are They After?

Since I’m currently sitting in a hotel room in Seoul, South Korea, some thoughts of an international nature....

America was founded on the idea this great land is a place of opportunity. It’s a place where people can come to start a better life—a melting pot of different cultures, religions, traditions and ideas. From the first Pilgrims arriving on the shores of New England to escape religious oppression to the Europeans during the early 1900s who came in search of their fortunes and a better life for their families, all have been welcome to come to this country to add their own spice to the stew which is the United States. 

But for years, an invasion has been quietly taking place. It’s a silent attack which threatens to undermine our national security. Crossing our unsecured borders and infiltrating our society. You see them constantly on our televisions, in the movies, in our schools, influencing our children every day, yet they go undetected. They come to this country by the thousands, taking our jobs, draining our resources, and slowly injecting their cultural traditions into our everyday lives. I am talking about...Canadians.

Canadians have been sneaking into this country since its founding. Some of the first Canadian immigrants were the Acadians. These future flood victims passed up the rich fertile lands of the American Mid-Atlantic to settle in the swamps of Louisiana.

Through the 1800s and into the early 1900s they arrived, blending into American society and keeping a low profile, or so they would like you to think. They have been quietly influencing American culture like celery in a pot of jalapeño laced chili. First it was Guy Lombardo, clandestinely decaying the morals of American youth with his band of Royal Canadians. During the 1950s came Lorne Greene, star of the American TV western Bonanza. An entire generation of American youth, who dreamed of being cowboys like Ben Cartwright, was duped into idolizing a cowboy who was about as American as Alexander Graham Bell’s telephone. And so they came...the Lone Ranger’s sidekick, Tonto...Canadian. Co-creator of Superman, defender of Truth, Justice and the AMERICAN Way...Canadian!

The 1960s brought America’s obsession with space travel. A young actor by the name of William Shatner slipped across the border to mislead America into thinking the Captain of the USS Enterprise, ridder of Romulans, was a U.S. citizen. To this day the 82-year-old Canuc continues to seduce unsuspecting hotel clerks into under-pricing hotel rooms and further damaging an already shaky U.S. economy. Infiltrating every aspect of American society, Monty Hall and Alex Trebek were sent to dull the minds of America’s middle class, day and night, for decades.

The 1970s began a full-out assault on our borders under the guise of comedy.  Led by Lorne Michaels, an army of Canadian comedians distracted America on Saturday evenings—a precursor to more and ever increasing debauchery and deception. Dan Aykroyd (half of the Blues Brothers and not American), John Candy (played a U.S. soldier in the movie Stripes), Jim Carrey, Tommy Chong (50 percent of Cheech & Chong—not American...actually that may be 100 percent come to think of it), Phil Hartman, Howie Mandel, Norm MacDonald, Rick Moranis, Mike Myers and Martin Short. Where does it end?!

The last four decades have brought an erosion of American moral standing with the likes of Bryan Adams, Michael J. Fox, Celine Dion (who doesn’t hide the fact she’s Canadian, and actually flaunts she’s Quebecois), Neil Young, Donald Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland, Shania Twain, Keanu Reeves, Jason Priestly and Matthew Perry. Canadians have so completely infiltrated America, believe it or not, that Pamela Anderson is not only NOT from California, she’s CANADIAN!!! The scourge of the Las Vegas stage show, Cirque du Soleil, is not French—that would be bad enough—but French Canadian! Canadian geese...you don’t see them leaving. They just multiply and slowly take over small bits of U.S. territory, one golf course at a time.

Proof of the contempt these icy-invaders have towards the United States comes in the form of pagan-like holiday celebrations such as Boxing Day (they give Christmas gifts the day AFTER Christmas), Labour Day (spelled with a 'u') and Thanksgiving (celebrated on the second Monday in October). INSANITY!

Though some of them may be looking for a better life away from all the ice sports, what contributions have these subterfugers-of-snow bestowed upon American society? Trekkies? Game shows? Reality shows like “Ice Road Truckers?” Have you ever seen or heard of a Canadian restaurant? Even the British can at least claim the sandwich.

Canadians have even managed to bring mediocrity to American sports and straight into our nation’s capital. Remember the Montreal Expos professional baseball team? The Washington Nationals! Dr. James Naismith brought America basketball, but at what cost? Just watch five minutes of an NBA game and you’ll see. You don’t see any NBA teams in Canada, do you? The Toronto Raptors you say.... My point, exactly.

Why are they here and what are they really after? We may never know. But then, that may be the real conspiracy!???????

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs - Communicator of Canadian Conspiracies