Being a writer, I’ve been counseled to take advantage of “social media.” The translation for me is that I need to figure out a whole host of social outlets, not the least of which is Twitter. I’m supposed to network through Twitter to link to my blog, then get people to follow my blog, especially if they’re Twitter people. “Netiquette” requires me to then link to their blogs and Twitter accounts and follow them around. What? How do I link, why do I care, and why don’t people get paranoid when strangers are following them? Could I lead them off a cliff? But, I signed up. The next thing I knew…

My husband, Matt, is a puzzle fiend. Crossword, Sudoku, Jumbled Words, you name it, he loves them. I, on the other hand, hate them. Matt calls it a left brain/right brain issue. I call it a don’t care/too frustrating issue. I do OK with jumbled word puzzles, but once I get stymied, I’m done. Matt tried to explain what Sudoku is, and how it’s played. All I heard was that it involved numbers. After that, I had zero interest. Numbers make my brain hurt. In an effort to help with my puzzle impairment, he emailed an intelligence test to me. The average person is supposed to get it right within …

I was at a homeschool function one time when a mom remarked about my curly hair. I told her that it was natural and that my husband, Matt’s, was too. All three of our kids inherited our dark, curly hair. Our first daughter, Aubrie, had Shirley Temple ringlets. We were constantly being stopped so people could admire them. So, we did what every good parent that has a Shirley Temple look alike does. We trained her like a circus monkey. We taught her to dance when we said, “dancy dance Aubrie.” She could be in the middle of eating and she’d drop her spoon, stand up, and dance. I’d put her in …

The kids grew up with a yellow lab named Ginger, who was the perfect family dog. They’d attach hats to her head, use her as a pillow and ride her like a pony. When she passed, there was a hole in our family that couldn’t be filled or replaced. But after several months, the kids were begging to get another dog so we went to the SPCA and other shelters. You know when kids really want something, they tend not to be so picky? That was my kids that week. The first dog they saw they wanted. At first, it was a beagle, which got off the leash, chased a bird, attacked a cat and almost got the kids …

My husband, Matt, snores like a bear. When we were first married, I barely slept the night through. As soon as he fell asleep, the sounds that resonated from that man were heard in every part of our house. The walls would rattle and pictures would shake. Teens and their bands could be practicing next door, but it would be the teens banging on the wall, telling us to keep it down. I went in search of every ear plug known to man. I found foam plugs that were supposed to mold to my ear, thus eliminating any sound from getting in. Problem with those, however, were that they felt weird. It was …

When did this happen? I was putting my makeup on when I noticed three hairs protruding from my chin. As I looked closer, I realized that there were a few other, finer hairs surrounding the bigger, fatter threesome. Swell. I'm turning into a nanny goat. I also noticed my upper lip is getting thinner. My lips would never have been compared to Angelina Jolie, but I don't want them as thin as Calista Flockhart's arms. So imagine how excited I was when a commercial promoted a product that allegedly plumps lips. I grabbed my keys, wallet and glasses and out the door I went. I drove to the mall, and…

Do you remember a popular television show that ran in the '90s called “Home Improvement?” Tim Allen's character (Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor) was a home improvement television show host who was fond of grunting like a pig when he was in the presence of power tools. He also bumbled almost every project he laid his hands on. He'd often invite his sidekick, Al, to help him do something foolish, causing Al to say, “I don't think so, Tim” on a somewhat regular basis. Many people watched the show and laughed, not realizing how accurate Tim's portrayal of a man (and possibly some women) was, …

The heat wave that the whole country is experiencing is hopefully nearing an end. September and cooler weather are just weeks away--and I couldn't be happier. Not only because of the weather, but because it heralds our fall vacation. Every year in September, we head up to the Pocono Mountains for our family vacation near Bushkill Falls. It's a quiet house in a quiet neighborhood by a quiet lake. Until the Kells family gets there. But that's a story for another time. There are mondo amounts of packing to be done for a family of five, and since I hate to be without something, I pack everything…

When you're single and you get your first apartment, half the fun is decorating it. And if you're anything like me, money was tight so decorations and furnishings were often purchased at the thrift store, or you made do with hand-me-downs. You also get really creative, which translates to not being very picky. For example, I needed a table to eat on that wasn't collapsible and meant for television viewing. I spied one of those huge electrical spools behind a factory and asked if I could buy it. Luckily, they took pity on me and gave it to me. With a table cloth that I purchased at the …

For the almost 24 years I’ve been a member of the very large Kells family, we’ve vacationed together in Ocean City, N.J., over an extended Mother’s Day weekend. We'd all get down there on a Thursday, and stay until Sunday or Monday, pretty much inhabiting an entire floor of the resort. Perhaps the word “inhabit” is a bit tame. Take a loud Polish/Irish Catholic family, throw in some beer and other assorted alcohol, house them in cramped quarters, and let's just say that things can get pretty rowdy. Occasionally, an errant family had the misfortune to be wedged in a room between our very vocal …

Editor's Note: For part one of the story, click here. After getting my brand new “future” car, I had to show it to my best friend, Michele. As soon as I opened the door and she got a look at the dashboard, she began laughing. Not a giggle or a snicker, but a full fledged, gut splitting, hurting your stomach, howling type of laughter that brought tears to her eyes. She kept pointing to the dashboard--then looking at me--and the laughter would begin anew. Knowing what her reaction would be, I was eager to prove that I could work at least some of the gadgets; namely, the remote start. I had her …

My husband, Matt, and I have been married 23 years now, and I can safely say that he's the most frugal (read: cheap) man on the planet. He's learned how to fix plumbing and electrical problems, just to avoid having to pay someone else to do it. For someone with absolutely no formal training in these trades, he does a good job for the most part. There was only one time when he hooked up the ice maker that overnight flooded the kitchen, sending waterfalls downstairs into the office, taking out a fairly new computer, fax machine and printer, then turning the office into a wading pool. But that …

Back in the '60s, much of America looked forward to a game show called “Password.” The host, Allen Ludden, would pair celebrities with regular folks, and the spokesman would whisper the phrase, “And the password is....” Hilarity would ensue as the contestants would have to guess the secret word via one word clues. To me, there has never been a more prophetic game show in the history of television. Why? Because today we have passwords for everything. We even need a password to retrieve forgotten passwords. Just the other day, Matt was trying to figure out what I'd done to my cell phone plan. I…

Matt and I take daily medications for thyroid and high blood pressure. Unfortunately for Matt, he never had high blood pressure until he met me, but that's another story. Since we don't have prescription insurance, I thought it would be a good idea to go online and see if I could purchase them cheaper. After two days of surfing the net, I found a site where the prices were unbelievably low. I was thrilled that my tenacity seemed to be paying off. I plugged in the names of the medicine and the dosage, and began the ordering process, complete with credit card information. Then the re-cap came …

I've said it before and I'll say it again--I'm a sucker when it comes to televised sales pitches. I can't help it. I really want to believe in new miracle products that claim to make our lives easier, cut the time we spend in the kitchen, or make us look younger. The thing of it is, most of the stuff being hocked is just a twist on an old idea. For example, there are innovative furniture moving pads you place under the legs of furniture (only $19.99 for 16) to make moving furniture a breeze! On TV, it looks as if the pads are gliding over ice, which made me want to buy them if only to join in…

We live in a world filled with noise. It seems that just about everything emits some type of beeping, chirping, whining, bleating or buzzing. Years ago, when our daughter Aubrie was little, we'd gone down to the shore. We got into our little room, put our suitcases down and went out to walk on the boards. When we got back, we were treated to a loud, high pitched ringing noise, reverberating throughout the room. We searched everywhere, trying to locate the source to no avail. The hotel sent the maintenance man, but he couldn't figure it out either. Since there was no way we could stay in the …

We live in a house that's more than 100 years old. As such, there seems to be a dizzying array of things that need to be fixed. Over the years, Matt has done a ton of home improvement himself. DIY (do it yourself) projects are a double-edged sword. It's fulfilling to work on something and be proud of both the finished product and the fact that you've done it yourself. The other edge of that sword, however, is not knowing what in the world you're doing. I, of course, fall into the latter category. I love to watch HSBG or the DIY Channel, and have deluded myself into thinking I could, or should…

I love flowers, and every year I plant them on just about every square inch of our deck. I've got them in window sills, hanging baskets, over-the-rail planters, oversized pots and whiskey barrels. I'm always looking for new and different plants, and love catering to hummingbirds and butterflies. A few years ago, I was in my annual search of something different when I came across a tropical "bush" called Angel's Trumpet. The flowers were long and hummingbirds loved them. I bought three small 8-inch starter stalks and planted them in my whiskey barrels. I probably should have read the entire …

Did you ever want to ask Domonic Brown how it felt when Phillies first baseman, Ryan Howard, called him the "total package?" Or what was going through Mike Zagurski's head the night he pitched after Brett Myers was placed on the disabled list? Or would you just like to know what Dave Herndon's favorite color is, how Drew Naylor likes living in America, or what Drew Carpenter's favorite food is? Well, now you can! That's because Patch is sending me, The Brunette Lucy, along with a camera crew, to Coca-Cola Park on Thursday, May 26. Since we're all about our readers, we want to include you in …

Our family is crazy about animals and we've had quite the menagerie throughout the years. We've had dogs, ferrets, birds, fish, chinchillas, turtles, frogs, and even field mice. In fact, one year we were sitting on our deck, when our son, Boy, thought he spotted a baby bunny. He kept watching, and sure enough, there was a tiny rabbit hopping around. Of course, we were concerned because there are owls and bats around our house. He was prime rib to them. Boy looked at me and asked if he caught him, could he keep him. Knowing how fast rabbits are, I figured there was no way he would catch it. …